That which does not kill us…

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There she was, so beautiful and perfect in my hands that the past several hours suddenly sifted through my hands like sand with not a single grain of current importance.  It’s amazing how in that moment your own baby looks so much more beautiful than you had been imagining for the months you had been picturing her.  But they grabbed her so quickly in my own delirium that I suddenly had no energy to protest, as the room became whiter, colder, and veiled.  There was nothing left of me as I disappeared in the now very cold, porcelain tub, the placenta still in me, and my own body covered in the stuff that was covering her.  I didn’t know she wasn’t breathing, they didn’t know I was lost; we were both lost for those moments, but then there we were moments later…in our regained pink radiance.  If only the story could have stopped in that perfect moment, but it was dealing with the doctors later that took so much more strength.

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About Ryn Cricket

When I talk to people, I always hear, "I always wanted to do that," or "You're so lucky!" I NEVER want to be the person who says those things. I am not lucky, I make things work. I don't think "I want to do that." I do it. When I was in the seventh grade I wanted to do three things when I grew up, I wanted to be an English teacher, a writer and a mother. All of that traveling, adventure, and Peace Corps was just research for what was to come. After more than twenty years of being told I would never be able to have children, I had two beautiful baby girls, a year and a half apart. I spend some of my time teaching English in Shanghai, China, and the rest of my time, inspiring my two little girls, or being inspired by writing at the writers’ workshop I call “home.”

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